How to Write a Newbie Post
... that will make everyone ignore you.

In reading this forum for some time I am amazed at how many poorly written messages are posted every day. So many people just post vague, rambling questions that do precious little but raise more questions from everyone else as they try to figure out what the person is talking about.

If you want to make sure that people will take little interest in your problem then here is a list of things you can do to create a post that will make everyone ignore you.

1.) A Piss Poor Subject Line

If you want people to not take any active interest in helping you to resolve your problem then make sure to have a subject line that contains no information about your problem at all. It is best to just put in expressions of disdain or curses to explain how frustrated with your Xbox you are.

Examples:
[QUOTE]AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH!
Help!
Noob Needs Help!
I Think I Messed Up!
Question?
Problem[/QUOTE]

2.) Make Outrageous and Desperate Demands

Nothing goes over better than

Example:
[QUOTE]Topic: Xbox Its Broken Help Quick Plz!!!!!!!1!1
Subject: i need to use my xbox and it wont boot up plz help me quick i want to play sould calibor 2 with my buddy!!![/QUOTE]

3.) Post a Nebulous Question

This is a sure fire way to make people to make the next poster have to ask you at least three more questions before your question can be addressed at all.

Example:
[QUOTE]i have a xbox and a modchip can i put in a hard drive[/QUOTE]

4.) Ask Too Many Questions In One Post

Example:
[QUOTE]hi i like to mod my xbox and i am wundering a few things
1-how to get a modchip
2-where is the bios?
3-how can i get this eeprom
4-what is eeprom
5-idiont want to sodder or do any werk. is their still a way to get a modchip
6-were do i get a soddering iron?
7-can i put in a hard drive
8-i want to play dvds can i burn then on cd's
9-
thnx[/QUOTE]

5.) Bump Your Message Every Ten Minutes

If you write a question and it doesn't get an immediate response try bumping it out of frustration after a ridiculously short period of time. Rather than searching of rewording your post try just bumping it every ten minutes and your post will most certainly go unanswered. To make matters even worse simply post the word "bump" each time with a . That'll be sure to ruffle some feathers.

6.) Ask a Question Without Trying to Figure it Out On Your Own

Have a Question? Don't bother searching, no matter how basic it is. Why do the slightest amount of searching on this site or on Google when you could just post a really easy question and then sit back and wait like some sort of King as your loyal subjects do all the work for you and bring the answers to your regal feet.

Example:
[QUOTE]Where are the screws to open the Xbox?{/QUOTE]

7.) Be Really Insulting When Someone Doesn't Instantly Solve Your Problem

Nothing is surer to get your problem unresolved than being really insulting to the people that are trying to help you. At the first sign of help make sure to bite the hand that feeds you by lashing out and attacking

Example:
[QUOTE]rude_newb: when i boot my xbox it flashes three tiems than shuts off
xbox_helper: Do you have a modchip installed in your Xbox? If so has the chip been flashed?
rude_newb: fuck u! wft? y wud i post here if i din't have a modchip
xbox_helper: Well do a search for this subject and you'll find an answer.
rude_newb: i did search! obviously ur all idiots im never coming back to this site[/QUOTE]

8.) Ask a Question That Has Been Answered at Least 1,000 Times

Example:
[QUOTE]i have kotor but when i try to load it up it freezes plz hlp[/QUOTE]

9.) Be Really Obvious About Pirating Software

Example:
[QUOTE]i have brute.force_01_NTSC.rar, brute.force_02_NTSC.rar, brute.force_03_NTSC.rar, brute.force_04_NTSC.rar and brute.force_05_NTSC.rar. how do i get the game onto my xbox?[/QUOTE]

10.) Use the Word "Gay" To Describe Everything
Just call your problems "gay". It's a definite way to make all your problems go away!

Example:
[QUOTE]Topic: I Hate My Gay Ass Xbox
Subject: my gay ass xbox wont boot!!!! whjy is it bein so homosxual? what do i do?!?![/QUOTE]

11.) Pretend that Google Doesn't Exist

If someone posts an answer to your question that involves a term that you don't know about then don't even bother going to Google to find a very simple explanation to your question. Why do that when it's so much easier to have someone spoon feed you all the information?

Example:
[QUOTE]i heard im supposed to unrar this file what is unrar?[/QUOTE]

12.) Post in the Wrong Forum

This is quite simple. Have a Question about backing up a game? Try posting it in the EvolutionX Fourm. Have a question about flashing your BIOS? Post it in Gamers Chat. Finding the least appropriate forum for any given question will be sure to annoy admins, moderators and posters alike!

13.) Don't Use Punctuation/Capitalization in Any Way

type questions using this format it's really great for someone with an education to read a post when someone is too freaking lazy to use periods commas capital letters etc sometimes people throw in a smiley which doesnt make things better its just better to look at please dont post using such poor formatics because its just too hard to read and usually ends up with someone flaming you

So that's it. It's as simple as that. If you want to write a post that will annoy everyone on the Xbox-Scene Forums, just be sure to follow these simple steps and you'll be sure to be ignored.

This post has been edited by C o s m o: Dec 8 2006, 09:59 PM

Pin this!

Thanks, feflicker! I guess it's a "tutorial" of sorts.

very ironic tutorial but good but you didn't mention that you won't be ignored but flamed

Very funny, but you forgot my favorite question.
"Can I install EVOX with Cromwell?"

that was the funniest tutorial i've read.... I just hope its at least a little effective in limiting some of the crap n00b posts.

yeah , pin this!

That was well worth the read!
I love it

I would suggest that this be pinned as well. One problem though. Noobs rarely read the pinned posts before posting their questions. This might better off being in the regular non-pinned area and just kept bumped up. Therefore....bump.

Also, I suggest adding the "Making multiple identical posts in all forums" to your list.
Noob: If I post something 10 times, then I will get a response 10 times as fast!

This post has been edited by dewmonger: Oct 31 2003, 11:39 PM

Thanks, guys! Good suggestion, dewmonger. The main problem with pinned topics is that no one ever reads them. Getting pinned would, of course, be prety cool though.

Braaaaaaaaavo.

I really think this should be pinned.

Really.

I like it.

Shma.

Oh yeah, I have a number 13:

13) SPAEK IN ALL CAPS AND NO PUTCUATION AND ASK FOR WRAEZ AND MISSPELL AND USE THE WORD "AND" WAY TO OTFEN

Example:

MY XBOX IS SRCEWED UP CAN NE1 GIVE ME A HALFLIFE SERAIL I NEED A +5 BOW OF VENJENCE EMAIL ME OR PM ME OK THAKNS BYE

This post has been edited by the_ladie's_logarithm: Oct 31 2003, 10:27 PM

Man that must have been hard to post with so many spelling mistakes....

id also like to add

10.) posting the same thread in every section saying

"idk if this iz the wrong place but they dont reply in xxxxxxxx... hlp plzzzzz"


*also, some links to any of jordanus' threads would be good...

This post has been edited by gcskate27: Oct 31 2003, 10:46 PM

No, do not pin this. The n00bs never read the pins (as was said earlier).

Make this guide/tutorial/bible/etc MANDATORY reading for anyone signing up with a new account.