Awesome, we have some entries!
I'll leave this open for the rest of the day. We'll start a new LOTW when the voting for this one begins tomorrow.
Well, here's mine:No Love Lost
Ugh! Why do I bother? Time after time, I've saved this stupid girl, but she can't be bothered to remember my name. How is it that I remember all of my adventures, yet the rest of the world forgets? The only thing keeping me going is the smile on her face; I'm such a loser. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I can't. I may have to show her, though.
What sucks the worst is the amount of shit I have to put up with just to catch a glimpse of her. Just the other day, I had to listen to 40 minutes of inane chatter from these bulky moronic creatures that call themselves Gorons. I got tired of them and went to bed. I doubt they noticed I had left. During my nap, I saw her
for a brief moment in my dream before I was awakened by my companion. "Hey!" she screamed. It must have been the 2,847th time the bitch broke my concentration by screaming "Hey!" at me. Well, I had to do it. I grabbed my boomerang and lobbed it at her to knock her unconscious. I tied her up with my trusty rope so she couldn't fly away. Then, I put on some heavy boots that I found in a cavern and stomped on the little fairy. She didn't even make a sound. She just lay still as I crushed her little body. I'm glad I'm finally rid of that incessant nuisance. Goodbye, Navi, you won't be missed.
After that, I couldn't sleep, so I went back to trekking for her
. I got lost in some woods. I wasn't scared of the Ghosts and Moblins that littered the dark land, but what did
scare me was this overly-happy oddball I met in there that somehow knew I needed a map. He had a red balloon. I shot an arrow at it and caused him to land ass-first into small pond of quicksand. He no longer wore a smile on his face. In fact, he began screaming. He kept repeating something that sounded like, "tingle loompa." Not wanting to take the chance of this nincompoop following me around for the rest of my journey, with my bow still drawn, I shot an arrow between his eyes. Two down; one to go.
Several weeks of adventuring later, I killed this pig-faced dolt who called himself Ganondorf. How this retard was my biggest enemy is beyond me. I mean, all I had to do was find a pattern of attack and repeat it over and over to kill him. How this motherfucker's able to dress himself is a mystery to me, let alone kidnapping a princess and making my life hell. Christ, I'm not even old enough to drink, but I can go through all this shit for some broad who won't so much as give me a handjob for my efforts. Maybe she knows I was born without a tongue, and that's the reason why I can't talk and can't do, ahem, other things had I a tongue. The only explanation I can surmise is that Navi must have told her about my other
shortcoming. I knew I shouldn't have let Navi help me shower. Damn, I should have been more cautious.
Oh well, the time has come to liberate myself from my third and final aggravation. If this chick can be captured by a pig who's dumber than a box of shit, she won't stand a chance against me. As soon as I find her in this tower, I'll wait until she recognizes me and smiles. That's when I'll take out my hookshot and disembowel her. Alas, the witching hour has come. Wish me luck!